Empress Charmin

The other day I was sitting in the local corner coffee shop with my friend, Anna. We were having a great time catching up on what had happened in our lives since we graduated from High School and college and she'd gotten married and I'd moved to this lovely town. As we chatted, we also watched people come in and out. It's an interesting thing to do in that corner of the city, really. But today, I saw something that I'd never seen before.

A woman in her mid-forties walked past us in search of a table. There was little to distinguish her from the rest of the population of the café. Yet we did take notice of her, and almost immediately, too. You see, there was an 18" long piece of toilet paper hanging out of the back of her pants. She didn't seem the kind of woman who would wear toilet paper just for the sake of it, or even as an anthropological experiment. My guess is that she took herself rather seriously.

In an effort to aid this poor lady (after snickering for a moment) Anna and I resolved that the offending tissue must be removed. She walked past us several times before we had the opportunity or the courage to make a grab for it. I was the lucky one. As the toilet paper came within reach, I calculated that it would take a good, yet subtle tug to extract it from the back of her pants. I held my breath and held the end of the TP as she passed. Unfortunately, my calculations were incorrect and as I pulled, it continued coming!! I didn't want her to catch me with her toilet paper, so I released it and exhaled.

As the woman exited our section of the coffee shop, Anna and I remained worried about the effect that toilet paper would have on her image. We resolved to continue the TP removal mission. Very Dangerous. We had only one more chance and we failed. We blew it. She would forever be known as Empress Charmin. So much for my good deed of the day.

Postlogue: A few moments after our final, failed attempt, Her Highness reentered our territory TP free! The mystery of how she lost her tail will remain for all times, but I think that I can safely say that we all lived happily ever after.